I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
