I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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