Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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