You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
