i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
