do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
FUCK WHALES
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
