hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
