So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
