I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
