Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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