Soap is not a condiment
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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