Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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