Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
