I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
