Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
