I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
