We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
