When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize