My entire life is one complicated drinking game
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
