I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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