Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
