There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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