i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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