Someone shit on the floor
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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