Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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