Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
