does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Two words: blizzard sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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