omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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