life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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