people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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