i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
