Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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