my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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