There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't put those talents on a resume
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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