If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.