i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You coming home soon, man?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish