its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
