you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
