what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
