who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
