Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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