The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
