A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
