Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
not ubering you a puppy
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
