He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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