And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
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I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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