Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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