I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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