we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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