Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
