my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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