Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
NoShamevember. You game?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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