Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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