Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
