Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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