Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
