No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
