So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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