I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
