I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
