Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize