The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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